Hospital

After spending time in the ICU of the hospital I was sent to the Psychiatric floor where the best of the best head doctors were going to 'fix' me. Or at least medicate me so that I was a zombie, not wanting to die....or run away ... or be bad.....or anything.
There were meetings with detectives...where I had to go over and over again what happened...but nothing ever came of it......no one ever paid for the piece of my soul they took..........but........it doesn't matter .......my soul was so empty by that time......... they didn't get to take much.
I stayed there for about 3 weeks I think, then after a court hearing where my adopted parents signed over papers making me a ward of the state...I was sent to a state mental hospital.

I never found out why they signed the papers.

Being a child...... I just figured that it was because of what happened.....

What other reason could there be?

Do You Hear Me?

Is this writing about me?....Yes....I want someone to say ...Sorry...To care.....To hear me.....Cry.

and hearing me cry I want someone to be aware and make a difference in some child's life who is crying out ....Even if it's just your own child crying out because life is rough...Don't brush it off as growing pains......Address it with a hug....That's a start...Then being aware...... Maybe you'll see the ONE child that no one else does.

This is for the policemen who think just a smile and wink won't make a difference.

For the counselor, minister,case worker, to help them understand why that child you have sitting in front of you.....Is hanging their head. (or perhaps is defiant)

For the grocer check out, store keeper, school teacher who sees..... and now hopefully will reach out.

No amount of counseling will ever heal my soul...yes I can be made aware that I'm not at fault....my mind tells me I've overcome...survived so much and turned into a very remarkable woman......Loved by many....and heard by none.

but my soul........ cries......and so I write....
to heal.

now back to the journey.

I've Had Enough

I remember during the assault....seeing headlights everywhere...Pointed at me....I remember desperately looking into the eyes of every single person who raped me....Thinking, hoping, pleading with my eyes to let them be the one who put a stop to this..........The whole time fighting with every ounce of me.

then it was over.......

and a part of me died.

Everyone drove away....I remember some laughing......They left me with the man who brought me there....He actually said he was sorry.. That he didn't know they were going to do that...And he just had to go along with it.......Oh?.......So why was he one of the eyes that I looked into?........

He drove me back across the state line ( we had traveled into another state , which I didn't know) ..... And then left me in a parking lot of a high rise apartment building.....I found a restroom, and cleaned up some. As I stood at the sink I glanced down and saw the word they had carved in my stomach. BITCH....Ah yes....Bad girl....Bad baby.....Bad....Bad....Bad

I don't know where or how I found what I used....But I ended up with over 100 stitches and several pints of blood given before I was what they called 'out of the woods'...

and woke up in a hospital bed.