Mother is Gone now.

"Mother" is gone now. She passed away this past January.

I've waited almost 57 years to be released from her and now, though honestly relieved...I also feel guilt and sadness.
I have tried for most of my adult life to forgive my mother for the obvious illness and consequential behavior she displayed towards me and for the most part I have succeeded. ....I think. The last 20 years of my life when it had to involve her was done so with a heart that was sad for the lonely person she was at the end of her life.

I feel guilty because I am a good person, and yet I've unashamedly waited out these past years~~ wanting desparately to stand up for myself and write her out of my life~~ but because of her wealth~~I waited it out. In my book~~ that isn't right. I've always told myself it was my 'payment' for all the abuse of my childhood.....but is it right? I don't know.

I feel guilty because I spent so many years hating this woman .....and she was God's creation. That was not right.

I feel guilty because I'm glad she's gone. That's a tough thing to say...and live with.

Mother came to visit us for the Christmas holiday for six days just before she passed away. It was the most gut wrenching experience I've had in a long time. At one point while she was here, she grabbed my face and said, "Do you know how much I love you , my daughter"? It sent chills down my back.....You would have to know the scenario she would play with me as a child...to understand....that Yes Mother...I know how much.

After we took Mother home, I called my sister and told her that no matter what, MOTHER was not ever allowed back in my house again. I was done. No more pretending. No more hurting....no more being scared. I would give up my inheritance if there even was one anymore. It just had to end.

Four days later we get the call from the housekeeper....and mother had passed.

God is good.

Now it's been six months and I'm starting to work through some of this guilt. It's been hard going back to the 'house' but it's a job that has to be done. The memories aren't as overwhelming as I thought and I think I'll be able to move on now.

I really and truely hope I can walk from this day forward with my head held high and know that I really am free now.