Too Good To Be True?

I remember the day my adoption was finalized. I was so happy! I was the center of attention with everyone telling me what a beautiful young lady I was and how well behaved .....and Oh!... the presents! ( to this day I equate gifts with love) There was a party of celebration and life was full of promise.

I was almost eight when things started changing. To be fair... I know that I came to the family with a lot of baggage and perhaps I brought on a lot of the problems......but to this day I really don't understand how I managed to make someone dislike me as much as 'Mother' did. I used to think it was because my Daddy and I had such a good relationship, and she was jealous.....But I have since found out that she had a mental illness.....probably would be diagnosed as bipolar by today's standards.

I do remember that there was a sickening hostility developing. She would be so very very 'Motherly' in front of people and when Daddy was home......and then when it was just us, she would turn into this very frightening person....She never beat me...never locked me in closets ....or tortured me physically........but the mental things she would do were beyond what an eight year old knew how to cope with......Sometimes it was little things...like inspecting my dresser drawers, ( which of course had to be perfectly folded and lined up) and then saying one sock wasn't folded right.....which would lead to her taking all the drawers out and throwing them around the room. As I would be trying to pick everything up ...she would be standing there screaming ...then all of a sudden ..fall to the floor and pretend to quit breathing.....I was terrified!! As I leaned over her.....she opened her eyes and said....."See what you've done to me....you're a bad ...bad ...girl!"....

Oh.

Another New Family

I am almost seven now. Another man and woman have come to try us out.... This time I'm ready!..... I am going to be perfect!!.....My brother and I are driven once again in the Welfare Station Wagon to our waiting new home and parents. Another beautiful, grande home. They already had an adopted daughter who was 2 years older than me and an adopted son who was 11 years older and away in the service. A ready made family!! Six months went by.

Everything was perfect. Especially me!

Then the Welfare Station Wagon Lady came and asked me if my brother went back to the orphanage for the weekend for a visit would I like to stay there with my new family? Of course, I said yes...... things were perfect there!

My brother left in the Welfare Station Wagon..... and never came back.

It seems, once again..... he wasn't adjusting*

....... It also seems I was wrong about things being perfect.

*I found out later that tests they gave my brother showed that he would never adjust to a 'family life'......he never got adopted

I Am Aware

This is when I became who I am today. Everything that happened after this formation of my soul just confirmed it. Let me explain.....I truly believe that we are all born with our own unique DNA and perhaps some personality traits that are inherited....but our souls...... what makes us who we are I believe is developed during the period of life from birth to around five or six.... I won't explain farther my belief as I don't want this to be the focal point. I do know that this is when I became aware that I was alone......I became aware that I was empty.........I became aware.